Federal authorities have approved an experimental drug to treat delusions. No doses will be available to the general public until each member of Congress gets a prescription.
Two winning student candidates at the University of Colorado were barred from taking office after allegations they used bribes of cookies and pizza to get votes. The candidates were on the Munchie Party ticket.
Hillary Clinton has formed a “Republicans for Hillary” group in order to compensate for the lack of Democrats for Hillary.
An airliner flight was diverted when a passenger became suspicious when she saw a math professor working out equations during the flight. The passenger thought that the strange writing indicated the man might be a terrorist. Well, he was using Arabic numerals.
A former smoker who used vaper cigarettes to kick his nicotine habit is angry about an FDA ruling on vaping. I mean, this guy is really steamed.
Lebanon held its first elections since 2010. Gosh, six years without campaign ads. Can we do that?
The headline said: Arctic Bird Shrinking as Planet Warms. Well maybe the bird is just on a diet.
Do you suppose Donald Trump ever used this line on a date: “This is going to be Huge!”
A stretch limo carrying ten kids on the way to a prom in Boston went up in flames. No one was hurt, but we can conclude that the girls inside were really, really hot.
The world’s oldest person died in New York at age 116. No cause of death was given, but I’m guessing she died of old age.
The government may soon require restaurants to print calorie information on their menus. So obese people who already know that they’re fat can find out why they’re fat.
The U.S. government in the last few weeks announced plans to put women into combat assignments and require young ladies to register for the draft. In response, we have heard that Jeff Bezos has offered to sponsor the U.S. Army’s first Amazon Division.
There are new commercials for Viagra on TV that feature absolutely gorgeous ladies in provocative clothing sitting on luxurious beds urging men to order Viagra so these men can please these women. Let me tell you, if you are with these women in these settings and can’t achieve an erection without Viagra, you’re gay.
The TSA has explained why lines at airports are forcing people to spend up to three hours in security lines. A TSA spokesman explained that if the plane does blow up in the air, those passengers who waited in line got an extra three hours of life.
Donald Trump is going to address the NRA in an effort to convince the group that his position on gun rights is better than Hillary Clinton’s. Well, that should take a whole three minutes.
UCLA has just signed a $280 million sponsorship deal with Under Armour. Ohio State has a $252 million with Nike. So what company would be the obvious sponsor for the Southern Cal Trojans?
French police have raided Google’s office in Paris looking for evidence of tax evasion. Wonder what search engine they will use.
New Twitter technology will allow users to employ 164 characters in their messages rather than 140. This is for people who really couldn’t express themselves in 140 characters.
Blank Park Zoo in Des Moines, Iowa, announced that its two eastern black rhinos were expecting a baby. The announcement ceremony was interrupted by about two dozen white rhinos carrying signs that said, “We’re rare too!”
A new study indicates Mars is still emerging from an ice age that ended 400,000 years ago. Now the global warming crowd is looking for some humans to blame for that.
A group of Neanderthals apparently attempted to build something in a French cave 176,000 years ago. Scientists can’t tell what they were trying to construct, but there was a charcoal drawing on the cave wall of a building permit.
Ancient marsupials discovered in Australia regularly ate snails as part of their regular diet, researchers discovered. They went extinct due to a world shortage of garlic butter.
Tropical Storm Bonnie is expected to reach the South Carolina coast on Saturday evening. It had been headed for North Carolina, but shifted south because of the bathroom law.
“Seven actors that are really short” was the title of one of those photo list websites. Oddly, Peter Dinklage wasn’t on that list.
The Verizon strike has ended after 18 days. Verizon workers were on strike?
On May 30, Iraqi security forces (in most countries they’d be called an army) fought a four-hour battle with ISIS forces in Fallujah. Is this all the longer they work in the Middle East, a four-hour day?
On World No Tobacco Day (May 31), the UN is urging plain packaging of tobacco products so that consumers won’t be enticed by packaging into buying the product. Such a move, they said, would help protect consumers from the dangers of tobacco. A more effective package would be one consumers can’t open. We can do it. We invented the child-proof container.
Authorities in several flood-stricken Texas counties are rounding up anyone named Noah and asking them with whom had they spoken lately.
“The Purge” is a movie about a fictional 12-hour period when all crimes, including murder, are legal. A sequel titled “The Purge: Election Year” is due out in theaters next month. The plot in this one is participants are only allowed to kill candidates, a rule that was well received by the electorate.
Word is that Hillary Clinton will attack Donald Trump on foreign policy. I bet the word “Benghazi” doesn’t come up in that speech.
The Freedom From Religion Foundation successfully sued a Texas County to have crosses removed from Sheriff’s Department patrol cars – you know, those seriously offensive decals on the back windows. The foundation next plans to have the word “cross” removed from dictionaries used in schools in that county, the term “crosswalk” removed from signs denoting pedestrian paths over streets, the name of the game “lacrosse” in public schools changed to “handnet ball,” the name of the song “Across the Wide Missouri” when sung in public venues changed to “The Wide Missouri,” one arm removed from the black cross that denotes a four-way intersection, the name of the “Southern Cross” changed to “The Southern Constellation,” phrases like “having a cross to bear” expunged from the English language, the name “crossword” puzzle changed to “wordblock puzzle,” Subaru’s Crosstrek model changed to anything else, the crossbow weapon’s name changed to “arrow on stick,” the crosscut saw to now be called an “anglecut,” and “crosseyed” changed to “eyeball misdirection.” However, the FFRF says cross-dressing is okay.
I’m not too worried about bacteria that have become resistant to certain antibiotics. However, I am worried about my dandelions becoming resistant to weed killer.
President Obama officially endorsed Hillary Clinton on June 8. I guess that tells us what Obama’s Justice Department is going to do about Hillary’s email transgressions.
Cigarette smoking by high school students has reached the lowest level since 1991, which tells us that at least they’re learning something in high school.
Everyone’s worried about Greenland’s ice melting away. Wouldn’t the absence of ice expose the ground below for some useful purpose like, I don’t know, crops?
The Solar Impulse 2 reached New York on June 11, completing the 15th leg of its attempt to circumnavigate the globe using only solar energy. It took off on the first leg of its journey from Abu Dhabi in March of 2015. At this rate, Solar Impulse 2 will circumnavigate the globe just a little faster than Ferdinand Magellan did it in 1520.
The headline: More than Ever, Americans are Dying by Accident. Here’s my question: How many Americans are dying on purpose?
Malia Obama graduated from high school (a private school, of course). In the tradition of the Obama family, all of the student’s transcripts and grades will be sealed in case she wants to run for elective office someday.
CBS has a new show entitled Brain Dead. The promo for the show said, “Mysterious bugs are consuming the brains of Congress members and Capitol Hill staffers.” Thinking it was a science fiction show, I watched it. But the show turned out to be a documentary.
Sports guys sometimes are weird. Matt Carpenter of the St. Louis Cardinals commented recently, “if you’re four games back at the All-Star break, that’s right where you want to be.” He might have said that because the Cardinals were nine games down at the time, but “right where you want to be” in baseball is ahead of everyone else.
Rising sea levels appear to have wiped out a rodent species living on an island in the Great Barrier Reef. This is the first documented case of a mammal species going extinct due to “manmade” climate change, researchers said. I guess they wouldn’t have gone extinct if it was due to regular climate change. By the way, how many rats have we killed due to “manmade” traps and pesticides?
I wonder how the public would have reacted if someone in Florida had shot the alligator just before it grabbed the two-year-old.
Another good thing about global warming: the rising seas will soon submerge those island military bases China has been building in the South China Sea.
A 94-year-old former Auschwitz guard was sentenced to five years in prison for complicity in 170,000 deaths. Well, he could have been sentenced to life in prison.
Weather forecasters are predicting a heat wave in portions of the U.S., a condition either caused by global warming or something called “summer.”
Casino workers in Atlantic City have threatened to strike, a move that could save their customers millions of dollars.
Beware: China is manufacturing counterfeit IPhones. Your first clue that you’ve got a bad one is when the voice of Siri is replaced by that of General Tso.
Brazil’s hosting of the Summer Olympics got off to a resounding start when they had to shoot a jaguar (the animal, not the car) used as a mascot for the torch relay. The big cat got off its leash and attacked a soldier. Here’s my question: Who puts a 400-pound wild carnivore on a leash?
California is trying to deal with a heat wave amidst a shortage of natural gas usually used for electric generation. The state had barely enough power to meet energy demands created by a massive need for air conditioning. Does anyone find it ironic that solar power is causing an energy shortage?
The Washington Post reported that a large group of GOP convention delegates previously committed to Donald Trump were planning on switching their allegiance to another candidate. These people became delegates as a result of being selected at state primary elections. Which begs the question: If they’re allowed to do that, why vote?
Democrats occupying the floor of the House to demand a vote on gun control stated if that didn’t work, they were all going to hold their breath until they got their way.
Questions I wish reporters would ask: Julian Assange, founder of the anti-secrecy site WikiLeaks, has been holed in the Ecuadorian Embassy in London to avoid arrest on a rape charge. He’s been in the embassy since 2012. So, does he pay rent for that? Can anyone stay there? Do they leave the light on for you?
The European Parliament is considering a proposal to tax robots. John Kerry asked for a special exemption. Also, the Transformers objected, saying they wouldn’t save Earth again if that passes.
A parrot might be called as a witness in a Michigan murder case. Authorities think the parrot heard the final argument between a man and a wife and could repeat parts of it. The parrot is their best bet because the stool pigeon isn’t available.
The House Select Committee on Benghazi has made public its final report that indicates that if you have a problem at 3 in the morning, don’t call Hillary Clinton.
Caitlyn Jenner is on this month’s cover of Sports Illustrated. Thanks to all the gods she didn’t appear in body paint.
Lead has been discovered in the drinking water at one of the U.S. House office buildings. Exposure to lead can cause neurological problems, which may explain why congresspeople do such dumb things.
California Gov. Jerry Brown signed into law Assembly Bill 1511 requiring that the infrequent loans of a firearm be made only to family members. So a father can claim innocence by demonstrating that a transferred weapon was the gun of a son.
Amazon announced that Alexa, the digital voice assistant residing inside the company’s Echo smart speaker and Fire TV, can now be used to order millions of items – from sunscreen to batteries to chocolate – by simply asking. Just tell your Echo: “Alexa, order Old Spice deodorant” or “Alexa, order Charmin toilet paper.” OK, what if your goofy neighbor sticks his head in your window and yells, “Alexa, order a gross of condoms.”
A Muslim policeman who sued the New York City Police Department after he was suspended for refusing to shave his beard has been reinstated, and the department has agreed to review its ban on beards. No confirmation on the report that the suspended police officer was once a member of the barberied pirates. Next, ear hair.
Immediately following Donald Trump’s acceptance speech for the Republican nomination, President Obama went on the air to point out misstatements of fact Trump made. This from “If you like your plan, you can keep your plan.” If Trump did lie, would this be a liar calling a liar a liar?
A Clinton campaign worker alleged that the Russians leaked e-mails that embarrassed the Democratic Party on the eve of its convention. Gee, how did the Russians get those e-mails?
Australian athletes will be living in different quarters after the toilets in the apartments provided by Rio failed a “stress test.” Well, you’d be stressed too if people pooped and pissed on you four or five times every day.
The headline said: 7 Things that Trigger Alzheimer’s Disease. No. 1, being asked to testify about Hillary Clinton’s handling of sensitive emails.
Black Lives Matter shut down a gay pride parade in Canada until parade organizers agreed to a list of demands. These included fewer police floats in the parade, more slots available to “gay people of color,” and a change in the LGBT designation to LGBTBLM.
A plane piloted by U.S. Sen. Jim Inhofe, R-Oklahoma, ran off the runway Sunday night in Ketchum, Oklahoma. The incident illustrates the fact that nowadays a lot of Republicans don’t know where they’re going.
The headline said: Military Freezing Mosquitoes to Guard Against Zika Virus. Of course, it’s going to take a while to freeze them all.
Ashley Madison, the dating website for cheaters, has admitted that some women on its site were virtual computer programs instead of real women. So what happens on a date with a virtual woman?
NASA’s Juno spacecraft entered orbit around Jupiter on July 5. The 13-year-old orbiter called home precisely on time, but boy is dad going to be mad when he finds out Juno is traveling at 125,000 miles per hour.
China has invested $185 million to build a giant radio telescope that will search for evidence of alien life forms. The first signal it picked up was the Howard Stern show.
Google has made it easier to read comic books on cellphones, a move which should have a huge impact on literacy rates in the U.S.
Colorado and some other western states are building, at great expense to the taxpayer, highway overpasses for wildlife like elk and deer. I wondered how they got the wildlife to use the overpasses, and Department of Transportation personnel showed me one of many signs out in the fields near the highway. The sign said, “Highway Overpass, 235 clop-clop-clops.”
The headline said: “Scientists looking for invisible dark matter can’t find any.” Could that be because it’s invisible?
E! gushed about Michelle Obama’s talent at “carpool” karaoke and wondered how other first ladies might fare. First of all, is this something a first lady needs to know how to do? Second, if we’re going to do this, make Hillary Clinton compete. That would put an end to that campaign, although she probably could do Pat Benatar’s, “Hell is for Children.”
California’s Gov. Jerry Brown just signed a bill into law requiring that state residents acquire a serial number and submit to a background check before building their own gun at home. However, state residents can still build a bomb at home without first acquiring a serial number.
Do they not think these things out? A man in Germany with a backpack full of bombs and shrapnel was refused entry to a music festival because he didn’t have a ticket. The man was forced to blow himself up elsewhere and didn’t kill anyone.
The Virginia Supreme Court has overturned Gov. Terry McAuliffe’s executive order allowing 200,000 felons in his state the right to vote. Well, there’s a minority bloc Hillary can’t count on.
Russian President Vladimir Putin has said the Rio Olympics will be hurt by the absence of Russian athletes connected to a doping scandal. One reason the games could suffer is through the shortage of performance enhancing drugs this year resulting from the absence of many Russian athletes.
Dolly the sheep’s cloned offspring are still in good shape at between seven and nine years of age, or the equivalent of 60 to 70 in human years. Seven of the 13 have filed for early Social Security benefits.
A man in Louisiana has thwarted a carjacking attempt with the help of a car wash power spray. The man drove away an armed thief with the device. Democrats in the Legislature immediately called for a ban on high-power water spray devices with large reservoirs.
Chris Sale, the White Sox pitcher who tore up a uniform jersey because he didn’t like it and was suspended for five games, reportedly will star in a new reality TV series. It stars a bunch of grownups who have never grown up. The title: “Jersey Shorn.”
After Hillary Clinton and other speakers spent a good part of the Democrat nominating convention trying to convince Americans that things are going great, a economic report came out and said growth was at an anemic 1.2 percent, two police officers were shot – one fatally – in San Diego, wildfires continue to rage in California and Colorado, and the Zika virus has reached Florida. You know what this means: Hillary lied again without even knowing it.
There is apparently no truth to the report that Bill Clinton charged the Democrat National Committee $250,000 in speaking fees for his speech at the convention, $7,000 in travel expenses to get to the convention, $1,200 for a motel room, $700 in phone calls from the motel room and $470 for meals and $200 for movies.
In order to generate larger jackpots, last year Powerball changed the odds of winning from 1 in 175 million to 1 in 292.2 million. Oh. That explains why I haven’t won.
A three-judge panel of Democrat appointees on the 4th Judicial Court of Appeals ruled a North Carolina law requiring photo IDs to vote is unconstitutional. The court hasn’t ruled on other laws or regulations that require photo IDs to buy Sudafed, cash a check, board an airplane, enter a federal court room, or attend the Democrat National Convention.
A new study indicates that Jupiter’s giant red spot is heating the atmosphere. You mean to tell me something other than man-made use of fossil fuels can cause planetary warming?
In response to the Zika virus appearing in Florida, President Obama has promised a “complete and thorough” vetting of all mosquitoes seeking to enter the U.S.
Kris Jenner is “shook up” after car accident, family says. Her butt is still jiggling.
The Solar Impulse 2, a plane powered only by the sun, completed an around-the-world trip by landing in Abu Dhabi. The flight started on March 9, 2015, and ended 16 months later as both pilots arrived safely in Abu Dhabi. Their luggage, however, is still believed to be in Egypt.
A new poll says 61 percent of voters see Hillary Clinton as dishonest. That’s all?