Amusing News, Part XII

Just to show me how little I know about the emerging computer-controlled world, the headline said: Digital Thiebes are Stealing Land in the Metaverse.” What?

One of the several hundred U.S. government agencies has come up with a recommendation that we limit ourselves to only two alcoholic drinks per week. Fortunately for me, they didn’t say how big the drinks could be.

The Democrats have chosen Chicago as the city to host their national convention in 2024. Delegates attending will be provided with bullet-proof vests, gas masks, pepper spray, and a map showing all the mob-controled areas of the city.

Former presidential advisor Steve Bannon recently was found guilty of contempt of Congress. Couldn’t we all be found guilty of that?

You recall that Arizona election officials had to shut down vote counting for three hours after the election because their vote counting machines broke down. They just discovered what the problem was: too many Republican votes were clogging up the system.

Could it mean Plus Sizes? The headline said some actress was criticized for excluding LGBTQIA+ from her production. I know what some of those letters stand for, but I think the “A” denotes “Any.” I can’t even imagine what is left to be defined by the “+”

According to the National Institutes for Health, vaccine-induced immune response wanes over time. So can we now conclude that the medical profession has adopted the marketing practice of planned obsolescence?

One thousand sheep were released on Rabbit Ears Pass in Colorado. The state took the action at the request of the local wolf pack in Jackson County.

The United States is now officially in a recession, according to the traditional economic definition of a recession, which is two consecutive quarters of negative growth. However, Biden administration spokespeople said that definition is no longer the definition of a recession, so we are not in a recession. In related news, the Biden administration has announced that the traditional measure of a strikeout in baseball is not three strikes; it is now five strikes.

In a new bill just passed with blazing speed by Congress, the Biden administration said an additional $124 billion in taxes would be collected by the government through ramped up enforcement by the Internal Revenue Service. And to be fair, who among us is opposed to hiring 14,000 more IRS agents and auditors?

President Joe Biden, stymied by a Congress that won’t pass his climate change plans, is considering alternative plans to boost offshore wind generating capacity through executive action: Headline: Biden Breaks Wind Policy.

One thousand sheep have been released on the top of Rabbit Ears Pass in Colorado. The state took the action at the request of the local wolf pack that moved into the area two years ago and has been limited to eating mainly ranch food.

The National Institutes of Health has announced that vaccine-induced immune response to Omicron wanes over time. We have now brought planned obsolescence to the medical business.

Could someone tell me what Beto O’Rourke does for a living besides running for office every two years?

President Joe Biden prides himself on filling high federal offices with “firsts,” like first black, first LBGTQ, first Hispanic, etc. After hearing Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas, announce that there was no problem at the southern border and all immigration laws were being enforced, I realized Biden had appointed the first blind man to that post.

Thought for the day: No matter how badly things are going in your life, it could be worse. You could be a Cincinnati Reds fan.

The U.S. just agreed to give Ukraine an additional $40 billion in aid. That brings the total U.S. aid given to that country to $60 billion. It begins to look like the best money-making scheme a country can undertake is being invaded by Russia.

Oregon’s Kurt Schrader lost a re-election bid to Congress after having served seven terms. I expected him to give a long explanation about why that happened, but instead he gave a rather Kurt response.

The World Health Organization is looking into a theory that the Monkeypox disease is being spread by sexual contact. The conjures up a really disturbing picture in my mind as to the probable origins of the disease.

In Minnesota, a skull believed to be 8,000 years old was found in a river. The skull has been turned over to the Cold Case Squad.

Under the heading of “News that We Will Never Use,” scientists have found the furthest galaxy from Earth. It’s located 13.5 billion light-years away.

A 50-year-old New York man has been convicted of sexual abuse and other charges after he moved into his daughter’s dorm room at Sarah Lawrence College and “coached” girls into sexual behavior. You mean to tell me no one noticed a 50-year-old man living in a student dormitory?

U.S Attorney General Merrick Garland said the Department of Justice won’t allow any meddling in the investigation to prove Hunter Biden’s innocence.

Nancy Pelosi has tested positive for the Corona-19 virus. It’s believed that she was infected from a contaminated botox injection syringe.

Florida has rejected fifty-four math textbooks because they attempted to indoctrinate students. Meanwhile, California rejected 68 math textbooks because they didn’t attempt to indoctrinate students.

The headline says, “A South Carolina death row inmate picks firing squad over electric chair.” If it were me, and I got to pick the firing squad, I’d pick five blind guys.

Wind power has now overtaken coal and nuclear for power generation. Except when the wind isn’t blowing.

This doesn’t seem to me to be a legitimate news story: “Prince Charles and Harry did not discuss memoir and Oprah interview,” says the headline. Well, they also didn’t discuss the Cubs/Cardinals MLB rivalry, the issue of releasing wolves throughout Colorado, or the coming NASA rocket launches.

The U.S. Senate passed a resolution calling for the imposition of daylight savings time permanently across the whole nation. Well, there goes one of my excuses for being late to work.

A report says 18 percent of adults over the age of 60 have early stages of memory loss. Now, where did I see that report?

A new movie, “Ms. Marvel,” is out. I asked myself, do we really need a new superhero? Have we not seen the damage the old super heroes have done to American cities? Oh, and Ms. Marvel’s name is Kamala. HAHAHAHA.

Now Joe Biden is considering sending reimbursement checks to drivers who have had to pay high gasoline prices at the pump. This should work. Hey Joe, I drove 166,000 miles last week. Honest.

Joe Biden has announced his administration will begin taking 1 million barrels of oil per day from the nation’s Strategic Petroleum Reserve in an effort to reduce gas prices at the pump (and get Democrats elected). So not only has he stifled the production of oil planned for the future, he is now getting rid of oil we already produced in the past!

The group that runs the Academy Awards has decided to investigate Will Smith for slapping Chris Rock. What are they going to do if they convict him? Remove his name from the credits at the end of all his movies?

We have discovered that the only reason President Biden is helping Ukraine in its war with Russia is that Biden thinks his son Hunter still works there.

Apple shareholders have approved a proposal requiring the company to conduct a third-party civil rights audit of its workforce to analyze its treatment of women and minorities. Wonder if that audit will include the slave labor used in China by Apple or its suppliers?

President Putin has signed legislation banning independent reporting in the Ukraine. We don’t have to do that in the U.S. Our journalists gave up independent reporting voluntarily.

Russia has now blocked it citizens from using Facebook. Wonder what Facebook, which thinks it’s okay to block opinions with which it disagrees, thinks of that? Karma is hell.