One of the many visitors to Trump Tower in New York – many of them looking for jobs in the new administration – was rapper Kanye West. He has since be named ambassador to Kardashia.
The first woman to have an ovary frozen before puberty has given birth to a baby in the UK. The woman, who is from Dubai, gave birth to an Eskimo.
At last report, 55 electors will not vote for Hillary Clinton in an effort to throw the presidential selection to the House of Representatives. Or, it could be that they never liked Hillary in the first place.
Uber was trying to put self-driving cars on the roads of California, but was delayed several weeks while its cars waited in line at the DMV offices for proper drivers’ licenses.
Outgoing Attorney General Loretta Lynch says she regrets meeting Bill Clinton. Lots of people regret meeting Bill Clinton.
How will self-driving vehicles pay tolls?
On Dec. 19, one elector from the state of Washington voted for Faith Spotted Eagle instead of Hillary Clinton. The elector said any bird was better than a harpy.
A man in California is being prosecuted for DUI for having too much caffeine in his system. Really? Well, that’s one way to stop fossil fuel consumption because if this goes through, almost every driver in the U.S. will have to pull off the road.
Secretary of State John Kerry delivered a lecture on Dec. 28 on what U.S. policy we should follow with regard to Israel. Kerry only has 23 days left in office, so if he’s looking for a sea change in that part of the world, he will need the swiftest boat ever.
One of the hottest toys this season was the Hatchimal, which is an egg that with a little loving care will hatch and disgorge something that looks like an electrocuted owl. Except it doesn’t work all the time; the egg doesn’t open. Have they tried pushing it off a wall?
Hottest new app idea: a way for self-driving cars to exhibit road rage.
When Hillary Clinton dies, will she be lying in state at her funeral? Of course she will. She’s been lying all her life.
True story: there is an astronomer in Canada who is legally blind. However, he’s never discovered anything.
A U.S. appeals court has reopened a case regarding Hillary Clinton’s “lost” e-mails. This issue seems likely to follow Clinton to her grave. You will be able to e-mail her there at <Hillarylies@enternaltorment.argh>
The U.S. has vowed to retaliate for Russian interference in our election. One plan is to put a second name on the ballot when Putin comes up for re-election.
A woman in Alabama was horrified when several canaries she ordered to be delivered by mail arrived dead. The package apparently had been run over by a truck. Here’s my question: who orders live animals to be delivered by mail?
A lawyer with deep experience fighting climate change will lead California’s Department of Justice, Reuters reports. Apparently, she has lost all those fights because the climate stubbornly keeps changing.
A member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir has resigned because she doesn’t agree with Donald Trump’s views. The choir is scheduled to perform at Trump’s inauguration, but participation by singers is voluntary. She doesn’t have to go, but she still wanted to announce that she doesn’t want to go even though she doesn’t have to go. She has since joined the Moron Tabernacle Choir.
A Mexican national who has entered the U.S. illegally and been deported 19 times is now facing felony charges in a rape case. Apparently, he is paying his attorney with the frequent flyer miles he accumulated during those deportations.
A single F-35 fighter jet will cost $148 million to $337 million. Couldn’t we just go up in a Piper Cub and offer the other guy $20 million to get out of our airspace?
Researchers have spotted the very rare “ghost shark” that lives at great depths in the ocean. The male ghost shark has its reproductive organs on its forehead, which is the origin of the term “dickhead.”
We have a report that all the football colleges in the U.S. are plotting to have Alabama declared a professional football team and therefore ineligible for the NCAA playoffs next year.
Some army guys were wondering why ISIS fighters were out destroying ancient monuments in the Mideast. The reason is that the monuments don’t fight back when you hit them.
Four suspects accused of torturing a mentally disabled teen on Facebook Live video were charged with hate crimes, but police insisted that the white 18-year-old was targeted for his special needs, not his race. Apparently, a black perp shouting, “f**k white people,” was too vague.
Apple has removed its New York Times app in China at the government’s request. That’s a big blow for The Times, losing potentially 1 billion subscribers overnight.
Amazon may be planning to have warehouses in the sky suspended from blimps. One big advantage is that they would be impervious to looting after Trump election victories.
BBC is broadcasting a show titled, “The Real Housewives of ISIS.” Upcoming episodes include, “Happy burqaday to you,” Ramadan-a-ding-dong,” and “Iman Chanted Evening,” and “Islamabad or Islamagood?”
In entertainment news, Ciara has dropped her defamation lawsuit against her ex, who’s name is Future. Ciara has since moved on to marry Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson, who accepted her despite the fact that she has no Future.
Okay, the headline said, “Kim Kardashian Reveals her psoriasis has spread to her face via Twitter.” We contacted medical experts and found that you cannot contract psoriasis by using Twitter.
Megyn Kelly’s going from Fox to NBC, but that doesn’t mean she’s not a fox, because she is.
The United States warned its citizens against visiting the tourist destination of Gambia. Um, Gambia’s a tourist destination?
A transgender California prison inmate who was born male but identifies as female underwent gender-reassignment surgery. The operation was paid for by all the male prisoners in her cell bloc.
The Golden Globe Awards show has prizes for a lot of categories. One award they do not give out, but should, is best supporting dress. I mean, how do some of those outfits keeps certain body parts from falling out?
Four small Iranian boats closed on a U.S. destroyer in the Straits of Hormuz on Jan. 9. The boats stopped after the USS Mahan fired warning shots at the boats. Or, someone in the boats looked up the Farsi translation for the word “destroyer.”
Apparently, the robbery of Kim Kardashian in Paris last October is still news. Hopefully, this won’t last as long as the investigations into the Kennedy assassination.
A new Trump appointee is described as a Goldman Sachs executive with “deep ties to both Democrats and Republicans in Washington. Wouldn’t that describe any Goldman Sachs executive?
Did you think Obama’s farewell address was a little long, like maybe he never actually was going to leave? It was long, longer that Reagan’s, Clinton’s and George W. Bush’s combined, which is kind of like the national debt Obama ran up.
The U.S. has sent 3,500 soldiers to Poland as a gesture to show we care about Russia’s expansionist tendencies in that region. Russia said it felt “threatened” by the U.S. action. Russia feels threatened by 3,500 troops?
At last count, 60 prominent Democrats are not going to attend Donald J. Trump’s inauguration ceremonies. You know what Trump should do? Twitter that there are 60 seats now available at the ceremonies.
There is a push in California to name a highway after veteran broadcaster Vin Scully. That would be Interstate 110, so if this goes through, 110 would be the highway’s Vin number.
Why is this animal called porcupine? It doesn’t porc you, it pricks you. It should be called a prickupine.
Yahya Jammeh, ousted president of Gambia, will now have to face the fact that he won’t, as promised, “rule for a billion years.” He came up 999,999,978 years short.
In the wake of the million women march last weekend, I was trying to put together a million man march to the National Mall. But too many of my male friends thought the National Mall was a shopping center. “I hate it when my wife drags me there,” one said.
A liberal watchdog group filed suit against President Donald Trump alleging he is violating the “Emoluments Clause” of the Constitution, which prohibits payments or gifts to the president from foreign states. Trump immediately responded that he had taken no skin care products from any foreign government and didn’t intend to.
Term of the day is “alternative fact.” That’s a fact that goes into the game when the first fact doesn’t do the job.
The headline said: “U.S. Scientists Raise Bar for Sea Level by 2100.” Well of course they should raise the bar lest it get flooded by the rising sea.
If the Hollywoodheads keep sticking their feet in their mouths, they’re going to contract toelio. The latest: Chelsea Handler called Melania Trump stupid, adding, “She can barely speak English.” Melania actually speaks English and four other languages, or four more than Handler speaks.
Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has vowed to hire 10,000 refugees over the next five years. Meanwhile, 7-11 has vowed to hire 10,000 Americans.
Leading Democrats on Jan. 31 announced they would oppose Donald Trump’s nominee to the U.S. Supreme Court even though they didn’t know who it was going to be.
Former President Barack Obama made his first statement on Donald Trump’s presidency on Jan. 30. I’m impressed. Obama waited ten whole days before criticizing his successor.
A photo is making its way around the web of a manatee with romaine lettuce draped over its head. I believe that’s the last romaining manatee in America.